Mariah Carey on 'America's Got Talent'?

America's Got Talent' Recap: America's Got Talent is relevant! The show that has already rewarded a ventriloquist and an opera singer is back to try and find another American with an obscure talent that no one really cares about. The Susan Boyle Effect is sure to play out this season, as a ton of hopelessly unattractive people will try to prove it's what's on the inside that matters.

Sadly for them, they probably missed the finale of Britain's Got Talent where Boyle lost to a dance troupe and proceeded to get checked into the hospital for exhaustion while cursing her way across the country. Beauty may only be skin deep, but just like fried chicken, the skin is the best part.

Here to guide us through a parade of freaks, children and ugly old ladies are the judges. There's Sharon Osbourne, who was sued by Megan Hauserman for assault during the Rock of Love Girls: Charm School reunion, David Hasselhoff, most famous for starring in Knight Rider, Baywatch, and eating a hamburger on the floor, and Piers Morgan, the poor man's Simon Cowell who won The Celebrity Apprentice.

That last one may sound impressive, but Joan Rivers won this season. It's a bit like me trying to impress you by saying I share a birthday with the Hoff's Baywatch co-star David Chokachi. It may be true, but it's certainly not anything to brag about.

Jerry Springer was smart enough to get off this merry-go-round after last season, as he's off to do more respectable things like his talk show. Replacing him as host is Nick Cannon, also known as Mariah Carey's boy toy. I know what you're thinking, and no, Nick Cannon is not the skinny kid from Good Burger.

The freak show kicks off in New York City. Nick Cannon is way to happy as host, probably because this is the first time he's been able to escape Mariah's menopausal eight-octave shrieking.

The first waste of time is a 26-year-old idiot who does some really bad singing and dancing. It's not even entertaining, it's just bad. He's followed by a unicycling guitarist and a white "rapper" who actually does poor spoken word. Finally there's a fire dancer who sets her hair on fire. The Hoff claims it was a terrible start, but it was entertaining. I'll agree with half of that statement.

Rather than stick around, the show moves to Chicago before NYC can suck any more. The first audition is a man who claims he's the only living person who can walk while turning his feet 180 degrees. The Hoff correctly points out that, while it may be unusual, it's not really a talent.